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Writing Prompts For Adults
Helen Said:
Essay proofread? NEED HELP [It's long...]?We Answered:
ok. Quickly: I would delete the sentence: "Violence is usually seen in war and in an anarchy government. or move it." As it is it seems you are blaming the entertainment industry for war and anarchy."Main key factors" can be changed to main factors or key factors.
Instead of "As time transcended, the world starts to view the world in a whole other aspect." try As time progressed the entertainment has transformed. Or something like that. you might even say transformmed from shakespeare's play to Grand theft auto" or something to show a contrast.
You seem to be backing away from your argument in the final paragraph by saying that society causes the violence and not the entertainment industry.
Thats all I can see at a quick glance.
overall, its a good essay with a cohesive argument.