Lauren Said:

Is this a decent essay?

We Answered:

Well, it's not an essay, it's a story.

Your punctuation is all over the place. It's obvious you didn't spend much time on it.. so I give it a 5. A little more work and you could have more varied sentence structures and effective punctuation. Right now, it has good detail but is boring. Your long sentences aren't appropriate.. they join unlike things. Streamline them. Also, you need to put more important things first, like saying narrator feels pain before saying he dives behind a barrel, since this makes more sense sequentially. Here's a starter:

Gun fire roars from the left. (splitting this up make readers first imagine the gunfire, instead of imagining gunfire then becoming muddled as they try to add in "I" rushing through) I rush through the factory warehouse, hearing screams and explosions and bullets penetrating through the rotting dry wood walls. I feel a sudden (strident means "large, obvious" which wouldn't be unless he was already shot) pain in my lower left thigh and dive behind a fallen trash can ("trash barrel" is weird). I skim my hand over the intense discomfort ("only" implies that you didn't expect it) to feel the alien warmth of blood on my fingertips. I detach the radio from my waist and yell “Medic!” as I lie in the middle of a concert (Interesting word to use here, implies death sounds) of death, my only shelter a rusty barrel that would've been discarded years ago if the building hadn't been overrun by war ("war" can't really overrun anything, find another word).
A minute passes with no response from the radio so (implies consequence) I repeat my distress call. (even without "a few seconds" a short interval is implied) I am greeted with static ("from the radio" is implied), followed by my commander rasping “Negative solider, you're on your own. Commander Javis out.”
My heart stops, my mouth drops open. The surrounding noises are drowned out by the rush of thoughts swirling through ("through" already means throughout) my mind.

Oscar Said:

What do you think of this story I wrote?

We Answered:

Eh....

Care if I give you some grammatical advice?

Too many run-ons and you need to work on comma placement.

Sorry. I'm real anal about perfection when it comes to short stories, poetry, books, etc. I went through books in the library and corrected things the publisher missed. ._.

If you work on that, though, you'll be on your way. :3

Constructive criticism.

Crystal Said:

Opinion on the start of my story?

We Answered:

First let me say that you have a good command over the language. These paragraphs flow well. You have a good sense of how much detail to include so that we can envision what is happening but not too much so as to slow things down. Also you have a nice easy narration that feels natural. Well done!

However, I agree with you that this beginning is not too grand. Here’s why: There’s nothing really at stake here. There’s no conflict to speak of. Yes, she is a new student, but most of us have been in this situation before and we know that it’s uncomfortable for a while but it gets better. There’s no reason to think that this situation will be any different. I have no sense that this character is in over her head or that she will have a difficult time of it. She seems intelligent. She has a healthy attitude. So what’s the problem? Why should I care? There is nothing to peak my interest, pull me in and make me want to keep reading.

You mentioned that the beginning is kind of ordinary. So why are you starting the story at that point? Why not start at the point where things get interesting? If there are things which happen earlier that the reader must know about, you can do that in any number of ways. You can weave in small snippets of backstory. You can write in a flashback if you feel so inclined. But you can’t expect readers to stick with several uninteresting pages (or worse yet, chapters) while waiting to get to the “good part.” Start with the good part and build from there!

It sounds to me like you have a good story, but you have chosen the wrong starting point. This is a tricky thing to do. I usually have to try several different beginnings before I get it right. So try a few different things until you come up with a beginning that really reaches out and grabs the reader. Above all, keep writing!

Jane Said:

Are these signs of some kind of developmental disorder?

We Answered:

It sounds like there are a number of possibilities. The greatest concern is the lack of control in gross motor skills --- that could be any number of neurological problems, or some other physical problem - The behavioral things sound like strictly behavioral things, but they could be part of a bigger physical problem. The parents should have a pediatrician do a thorough exam, and possibly request a neurological screening, to rule out a physical disorder. The best thing a teacher could do is begin keeping a behavioral performance log that monitors and records his tantrums, outbursts and instances of physical problems, headaches, tremors, etc. That sort of record will help the parent show the need for a screening.

Diane Said:

POLL Are you very bored?

We Answered:

Well, I have alot to do today now! (;
Haha, you must be bored too.