Jamie Said:

Does this start to a book have potential? ( A little lengthy)?

We Answered:

I'm of two minds about this. Your plot is a little cliched and over done, but I don't think that's anything you really need to worry about. After all, every story ever written is generally based on a few broad concepts (good vs. evil, impossible love, etc.).

You didn't say where you intended to go with this story, nor how long it will be. Is it going to be book length? A short story? If it's a short story, you're on the right track, having jumped right into the thick of the plot. If it's book length (and without knowing your plot intentions), I'd venture to say that you've gone too far, too fast. I know very little about your protagonist and that makes it really hard for a reader to get into the story and relate to the character.

Lastly, you need to format your story properly. What you've got here is one long, HUGE paragraph, and it's really hard to read. I'm going to assume that you were forced by Y!A to do that so you could fit more in, but if not, you're going to have to revamp.

All in all, it's got some potential, but it needs work. I like how you write - descriptive, clear, interesting - and you could probably create a great story with your beginning. Have people you trust read your work and critique and edit it. Good luck!