Seth Said:

UC Application Personal Statement Help?

We Answered:

Your answer is kind of all over the place. First let's read the prompt. "Describe the world you live in and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations." You do a good job of explaining that your parents' experiences convinced you to become a lawyer. But the problem is that you don't give enough specifics. You're too vague in your description of your parents' struggles. After reading your essay I still don't know exactly what happened to them or what they went through. I think you need to stop using such flowery, dramatic language and tell us the facts. Are your parents immigrants? Give specifics about that if they are. Did something traumatic happen to your family? Tell us what it was. The people reading your essay aren't mind readers, they don't know what you're talking about when you say, "My parents were robbed of their dignity and their coffers numerous times and feared the law to the extent that they would not utilize it for their own benefit. After watching these events unfold, I knew that I must be the harbinger of justice for people who remain naïve to the cruelty of reality, a man that can stop a military brigade with the power of a mere piece of paper." This sounds interesting, so tell us what you mean!!!!

I say, keep everything after "I had grown a close relationship with..." and rewrite the entire beginning, this time with SPECIFIC examples and descriptions about your parents' hardships. you sound like you have a lot of interesting things to say, so say them!!!! Good luck.

Erik Said:

tips/comments on college application essay?

We Answered:

Alot of people said "There is no such equality in the world, that nothing comes free". I use to think these are just analogues. Since the society are so blind-folded by the ad, advertisement, and ascendancy of the government with method that verge on brain washing. Some are so into dept and so accustom to the usual governing; they miss out the sole purpose, and; therefore intaking any free accessorie(thinking it's free). As for normal admities, friends tends to be nice to individual for inorder for antiques or friendship. The omnious that nothing is free is quite frightening, since everything had to be achieved by adversity; even. then those achievement can be questioned.
As a energeric sixth grader, I use to get into trouble because I run around the class room excessly. The result didn't come out positive. I got reported by the dean almost every week, in addition to parent teacher conversion, bad grade, and degrading my class. This engender bad reputations toward my in-school partipation on extracurricular actitives, so I needed to participate in extracurricular outside of school. I didn't do this to prove to anyone, but to myselve, that Im not just an exotic kid wondering around with no friend. Althought the process of getting accepted are long and hard, I actually get accepted. The working hours are long for me back then, we need to work around 110 hours in a month. Slowly living up to my reputation with in-school, out-school, and home agenda, supplemented with my teacher, sister, staff, and councilor negotition. I know this is time to my personality, leave out the childish act, and not just live for tomorrow, but to live for my entire life.
The years of middle school, slowly ended, and high school came to replace that. I picked a few top high school, but was rejected by the my reputation at midddle school. These karmas hit me on head over the years, like a chain of explosive mines. During high school at freshmen year was hard, since I need to alleviate those negative reports from middle school, sophomore years I did great with 85+ class overall GPA. I also need to study harder than other student because I get easily distracted by "eye floaters". I started to make some friends in and out of school. I know my pass adversity like the back of my head, help disoritent peer also helps me to recognize the way other thinks about certain topics. The opportunity of such great event has opened to me, a sense of belonging, and the advent of a new life.
My own future is yet to fore-told, my knowledge and my choice is unlimited, and my dream can be accomplished by the mean of influenceing the society is a authentic way. My ability to take responsiblity on my life, and the protential I engraved. Looking back all these years, I can finally make up my final analogue, that "Nothing is truely free". Knowledge is definitely not free. Builting up my progress to achieve triumph. Yet there's still a long way to go, but the thing I truly adore will soon come into existence.

Terrance Said:

can someone give me an idea of what to write for this?

We Answered:

you should answer this prompt on your own

im pretty stupid and i could answer this question pretty well on my own.

Edwin Said:

Was Lord Dawson paid by the Times to kill King George V?

We Answered:

Why do you think there are so many who believe that Lady Diana was killed?
Unfair deeds have been performed, by those in power, throughout history.

Priscilla Said:

Story needs critiques...?

We Answered:

"Tick-tock...with each chime..." Does each tick-tock reflect a chime? Usually a clock chimes on the hour. Perhaps 'with each passing second' or 'with each noisy second that passed'...? Then later in the paragraph, to avoid repetition, instead of saying 'each second', you could say each 'ticking'...also, the imagery my mind gives me is that the clock ticks each second. Every second she becomes one moment closer?? This is not consistent.

'While she waited the 15 minutes..." you should spell out numbers, i.e., 'fifteen'. (Side-note, most pregnancy tests these days do not take this length of time to get a result; generally you would only have to wait a few minutes...a decade ago you would only have had to wait ten...)

'...a teen aged girl could ask for.' I think that you have done well enough in your previous prose to let us know that Hanna is a teen aged girl. It reads a bit awkward here and feels forced. I think the reader would still infer the girls age based on her freaking out over a pregnancy test and having a boyfriend who picked up the pieces when her drunk dad broke things or abused her. These are traits of someone who is not yet old enough to have fled the home.

"Whatever Drew said was law to her; anything he wanted to do was a commandment." This was a wonderful and effective line. It says so much to us with so few words. Well done.

'...random vagrant on the street, begging for money.' No comma is needed here.

'...a torn home pregnancy test box strewn to the side.' Unless it was shredded, a box couldn't really be 'strewn'. Perhaps another word?

'...raising her lids like a draw bridge ready to cut off all contact with the world.. Very nice line!

'...undeniably PINK stick.' Did the entire stick turn pink? Maybe 'line'?

Overall, a really good short. Leaves us hanging and feeling terrible for Hanna. I love the title...I didn't get it until the very end; much props for that. Also for taking the riskier route and making the girls worst fear come true at the end rather than her being saved. All of the appropriate symbolism is there in the plot: She worshiped Drew and now is begging that guy in the sky for salvation. A very intriguing read. Thanks!

Sorry if I am too nit picky, but I spend about 6-8 hours per day critiquing for other writers whose main desire is for me to be extremely critical. A lot of this is just personal preference, in the end, the creative license is yours and you should decide carefully what compromises your own voice and what doesn't. Good luck!!

Marian Said:

Why did the QF-4 crash at Pt. Mugu Air Show 2002?

We Answered:

Q...
arent those remote controlled target drones?

"heavy handed" is quite obvious. you probably have heard that someone is having a heavy leg on throttle pedal in his car. lack of motorics, so to say.

aircraft generally dont like abrupt change in control inputs. for the most time, YANKING the controls just causes them to pictch up and do nothing, because the airflow cannot cope with the sudden change.

if you ever listen the cockpit recording of -say- blue angles, you might notice the tone of speech, which is appropriate to the speed of motion on the controls. you can induce even a violent maneuver with smooth control input.